Vertu Boucheron 150

Luxury mobile phones gone mad the UTTERLY vile Vertu Boucheron 150.
It’s always fun to do a blog post about luxury mobile phones. You know, the Vertues and Mobiadoes of this world. Basically, it’s fun to see how the other half lives, so we can point and laugh about how overpriced and not-that-nice their mobile phones are.

Well, according to UnwiredView, Vertu have outdone themselves with the new Boucheron 150. Oh, and at this point, I should probably warn anyone reading this that there’s no way this blog post isn’t going to be a rant. Seriously. There may be spit on my chin by the time I’ve finished…

Let’s start with the looks: the Vertu Boucheron is reportedly hewn from a single piece of gold, giving it (theoretically speaking) high-class, exclusive looks evocative of the Boucheron jewellery house that it’s made for. Really, the only reaction I can give to that is… well… I dread to think what Boucheron jewellery looks like if it’s anything like this monstrosity. I mean just look at it. I wouldn’t have thought there was anything in history that’s just inconceivably ugly from every single angle, and I certainly never thought I’d see a mobile phone that fits that description. ‘Who hand-carved this beast?‘, and ‘How are they loose in society?‘ are the questions we should ask! If ever there was a mobile phone that looks like it’s not just been hit by the ugly stick, but had its face methodically kicked in by the entire ugly forest, it’s this. Seriously, what is so wrong with a mobile phone that’s got straight edges, and why would people want a phone that looks like it involves a car crusher in the construction process?

You don’t see the Nokia N97 needing this kind of stupid design work! Or many other mobile phones, come to think of it. Let’s just say that in the case of this mobile phone, the phrase ’sculpted from solid gold’ could be interpreted, based on the looks, as ‘got a hippo to repeatedly stamp on a lump of gold’.

And the features? Well, what would be the point… it hasn’t got any. Except that Concierge button shared by all Vertu mobile phones, which to me, is proof positive that when you make billions from selling oil (come on, you know that’s who keeps buying Vertu mobile phones), you lose the ability to find information and plan things for yourself.

So, shall we go for an entirely subjective and opinionated conclusion of this little piece? Ah, why not!

If you want a super-powered, awesome Nokia mobile phone, get the Nokia N87. If you want a decent, genuinely pretty, luxury phone, get the Nokia 8800 Arte.

If you live on Mars, or pay 9 billion quid for a pair of socks, or keep tigers as pets, then you are obviously loaded, and therefore, I am open to receiving Christmas presents of, say, Argos vouchers to the value of £17 million.

Hey, come on, it has to be worth a try; anybody who’s seriously considering buying the Vertu Boucheron clearly has more money than sense, so I may be an appealing purchase for them, too!